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Marty Mullin has a solution in hand.
A delightful person, Mullin reveals, "I bought a top-quality pellet
pistol, one of those compressed-air guns, which I keep in my car. You can
use either the cartridge or the pump type -- just to be sure you get one with
enough power to penetrate metal. Get a supply of the .177-caliber pellets,
too. Then, next time some dip pulls out in front of you, pull up behind the
dip's vehicle and get in his/her blind spot. With a truck or van that's easy
enough. Then you bring your pellet gun into action.
"Plunk a shot into the mark's vehicle, the trunk for a car, or the back
of a van or rig. If it's a big truck you can get in quite a few shots, because
the driver is not likely to hear them. A van or car will make a helluva
TWHUNK when that pellet hits, so be cautious.
"There's no discharge noise, because you're not using a firearm. After
your attack, back off and proceed your business as if nothing has happened.
You probably have not taught the mark a lesson, but you feel better for what
you just did -- I guarantee that."
I asked Mullin about the possibility of hitting a passenger who is
riding in the back of the mark's vehicle. He replied, "Then, that passenger
also has every right to be furious with the dippy mark for pulling out in front
of you."
CB Radios
Want to send your neighborhood CB nut a message? This nut is the
CB addict who refuses to filter his/her equipment and thus disrupts TV,
stereo, AM/FM, and other normal communication for blocks. Usually, these
idiots are about as sensitive to other people's feelings as Idi Amin was to the
plight of the poor. In both cases a lesson is called for.
To do this effectively, heed the lesson of Sterling Orco, who says you
must personally interdict the mark's CB antenna. It would be well to do this
when the mark is away from the home area. Unfasten the CB coax line from
the mark's antenna. Then clip two leads of a regular 110-volt line to the CB
coax -- one lead to the center conductor, the other lead to the shield. Small
alligator clips will do nicely. Then, hop down from your perch near the
antenna and plug the other end of the 110-volt wire into your mark's nearest
outdoor socket.
Next time he/she turns on the CB and hits the transmit button...well,
words fail to describe the results adequately. One comment -- even the
repair people will shake their heads.
A bit less destructive, but no less nasty, is the old pin-in-the-coax
trick. You prick a tiny pin through the plastic outer cable and through the
shield. Be sure it touches the center conductor. Then cut the head off the
pin and push it in some more -- out of sight. The plastic should close behind
the pin, making the wound invisible. Just make sure that the pin short-
circuits the center conductor to the metal outer shield. Do a couple of these
along the coax between the antenna and the CB set. It does stuttering
wonders for the transmission.
Charity
Charity begins at the home of your mark. You simply volunteer
his/her services to the charity's recruiting chairperson, giving the name and
address of your mark. These charity drives are so happy to get volunteers
these days that they will rarely verify your call. That means the first contact
the mark has is when another volunteer shows up at the door with all sorts of
campaign and collection materials. In many cases, the mark is too
embarrassed to refuse, and you've added to his/her workload.
If you think that's a dirty trick to pull on a charity, ask them how many
cents out of each dollar go directly to the victims and other people who are
at the bottom of the line for help. Besides, your mark might turn out to be a
great charity worker.
You can call in generous pledges in your mark's name during
telethons and other charity drives.
You can also call in pledges to bothersome telethons, using double
entendre names. For example, when one public-TV station held another of
its semiweekly fundraisers, several contributors announced over the air as
pledging financial support included Clint Toris, Seymour Kunt, Connie
Lingus.
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